News Section
Mall adds 'fast lane' after girl complains of slow shoppers
By Paul Blart

Thanks to the suggestion of a 10-year-old girl who is tired of being stuck behind slow walkers, a British mall has added a "fast lane" painted on its floor. When she got a school assignment

"I am incredibly disappointed by people walking around your shopping centre , it annoys me so bad I want to scream," New-Hobby wrote. "You should stop people walking slow as people are in a rush for work and this could cause

The mall administration responded by creating a "fast lane" and a "slow lane" in pink on the floor, divided by dotted white lines like a roadway. An offramp bypass

to write a formal letter to a public figure or company, Anita New-Hobby decided to let Meadowhall Shopping Centre in Sheffield, England, know their slow shoppers are breaking her stride.

people being late. It is dangerous because if someone bumped into you that person will fall over. Will you ever tell people not to walk so slow? If you do this for me I will be delighted — please do it."

in front of the Marks and Spencer is currently under construction and should be completed before the Victoria Day sales event.

Police quack home invasion case
By Donald Mallard

Police in Pheasant Run, RI responding to reports of an intruder in a woman's home quickly quacked the case.

A somewhat groused woman called police Saturday from her upstairs bedroom to report that she heard loud banging noises downstairs and feared someone had broken into her home. Officers who responded found no sign of a break-in. But during their search, police found a criminal that fit the bill: a duck.

Police say it appears the duck got in through the chimney and from there was just winging it. As no feathers were ruffled, the duck was released back into a the nearby pond. The homeowner was relieved but unsure waddle happen next.

One armed bandit saved by a one armed bandit; professional courtesy?
By Richard Kimble

Police in Germany report a casino gambler about to be taken away to jail took one last pull at the slot machine and surprisingly won enough money to pay off his fine.

The 37-year-old man was wanted by police because he had been ordered to pay a $900 fine or face 71 days in jail for resisting arrest. The man, who ironically has only one arm himself, was easily recognized by two officers at the casino. Police said they approached him and were about to make the arrest when he "started beaming all of a sudden." The man had just won a $1,268 jackpot, allowing him to pay his fine on the spot.

Artist draws The Beatles With pancake batter: Makes his own Good Day Sunshine
By Anne T. Jemima

You can eat these eight days a week--or after a hard day's night. Artist Nathan Shields sketched the Beatles with pancake batter capturing the process in one rockin' video that recently went viral on YouTube. While Shields posted the video a several months ago, the viral attention continually renews like an influenza virus that keeps mutating.

Has his choice of medium impacting anything outside of his art? "I should have known better," explains Shields. "I've ate so many of my trial sketches and carry that weight." But Shields recently swore off consuming his drafts for a serious diet saying, "that was yesterday." "I'm a loser, he concluded in the end.

It's not rocket science: Oxford researchers compile Top Ten list irritating phrases
By Noam Sayin

A top 10 of irritating expressions has been compiled by researchers at Oxford University. At the end of the day the phrases will appear in a book called Damp Squid, named after the mistake of confusing a squid with a squib, a type of firework. The research team work 24/7 to monitor the use of phrases in a fairly unique database called the Oxford University Corpus, which comprises books, papers, magazines, broadcast, the internet and other sources.

At this moment of time the top ten most irritating phrases are:

  1. At the end of the day
  2. Fairly unique
  3. I personally
  4. At this moment in time
  5. With all due respect
  6. Absolutely
  7. It's a nightmare
  8. Shouldn't of
  9. 24/7
  10. It's not rocket science

With all due respect for irritating words like literally" and "ironically", at the end of the day this list is absolutely the last word. Asked whether Oxford research funds should be used to further this ilk of study, University Rector Professor Isiah Olchap responded, "I personally feel it's a nightmare. They shouldn't of."

Fun guy saves all his toenail clippings since 1978
By O. C. Dee

File this under curious. 58-year-old oil investor Richard Gibson has a peculiar collection. For the past 36 years, he has been religiously saving all his toenail clippings in a glass jar. At parties, he must be a real fun guy.

Collecting toenails is a strange hobby, but Richard says that he didn’t exactly plan for it – it sort of happened as a result of his compulsion curiosity, and he just never stopped. He happened to be clipping his nails one day in February, 1978, and instead of throwing them out, he just put them in a manicure box. He then started doing it repeatedly, just to see how long it would take to fill up the box. That didn’t take too long – only two years – and by then he was pretty much hooked. So he moved his collection to a large glass jar, which is what now uses to put the clippings in.

“I have no idea how many nails are in the jar, Gibson admitted. It's well into the thousands.” Even so, his current jar is only 99 percent full, and Gibson says he has no idea what he's going to do when it's completely filled. “I’ll probably put them into something else,” he said. “I’ve got enough room for several more months worth of nails.”

It hasn’t been easy to keep up the collecting – Richard has had to hide the jar from his ex-wife and from visitors for several weeks at a time, but, against all odds, he has kept his menagerie safe and his collection growing.

It takes guts to make beer
By Agata Burp

This medical case gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "beer gut." A 61-year-old man — with a history of home-brewing — stumbled into a Texas emergency room complaining of dizziness. Nurses ran a Breathalyzer test and found the man's blood alcohol concentration was a whopping 0.37 percent, or almost five times the legal limit for driving in Texas. There was just one hitch: The man said that he hadn't touched a drop of alcohol that day.

"He would get drunk out of the blue — on a Sunday morning after being at church, or really, just anytime," says Barabara Cordell, the dean of nursing at Panola College in Carthage, Texas. "His wife was so dismayed about it that she even bought a Breathalyzer." Other medical professionals chalked up the man's problem to "closet drinking." But Cordell and Dr. Justin McCarthy, a gastroenterologist in Lubbock, wanted to figure out what was really going on. So the team searched the man's belongings for liquor and then isolated him in a hospital room for 24 hours.

Throughout the day, he ate carbohydrate-rich foods, and the doctors periodically checked his blood for alcohol. At one point, it rose 0.12 percent. Eventually, McCarthy and Cordell pinpointed the culprit: an overabundance of brewer's yeast in his gut.

According to Cordell and McCarthy, the man's intestinal tract was acting like his own internal brewery. The patient had an infection with Saccharomyces cerevisiae, Cordell says. So when he ate or drank a bunch of starch — a bagel, pasta or even a soda — the yeast fermented the sugars into ethanol, and he would get drunk. Essentially, he was brewing beer in his own gut.

Sports Section
A chic geek sport emerges for the smart, pudgy, pale, and rich.
By Ivan Youloos

What do billionaire geeks do for sport?

Segway polo works a lot like regular polo, except instead of riding horses, the players are on Segways, and instead of evoking glamorous images of a centuries-old aristocratic tradition, the players are on Segways. Billed as the

The sport has begun to take off--or at least roll slowly apparently defying gravity--growing from an eight-team local bay area tournament to a World Cup. The Segway Polo World Cup features nine teams from five countries

"I'll be honest, when I saw the Segway was invented I thought, 'Wow, this will make lazy people lazier,'" admits Jennifer Sandserson, the World Cup

Segway polo players do typically gentlemanly things like "wear white pants." But it's also deceptively violent. Ramming is illegal, but nonetheless fairly common, and when it happens it can

But if Segway Polo has the violence of traditional sports, its appeal is still limited

They play polo. On segways.

invention that would change the course of mankind when it was unveiled in 2001, the Segway has instead fallen into more of a niche market, used primarily for tour groups and the tech-obsessed.

—Germany, Sweden, the United States, Lebanon, and Barbados. The winner receives a trophy called the Woz Cup, in honor of the sport's creator, former Apple computer guru Steve Wozniak.

coordinator. But she has been won over by the intensive action and abject violence.

lead to grisly injuries like compound fractures. A collision in Segway polo is tantamount to a low-speed car crash, with little more than a helmet to protect you.

to the select group of people who already own Segways.

Man Sees Golfer On Danish, Bets Dough On Him To Win
By Tiger Would

Success is sweet, but can a sweet predict success? Or will this gambler get his just desserts?

A college lecturer in Andover, United Kingdom, reportedly saw what he believed to be the face of golfer Rory McIlroy on a cheese Danish and bet $1,700 on him to win the Masters. "It's got to be a sign -- Rory's face on a piece of food from his girlfriend's home country," Rob Price told British news site The Independent. "My mates had a giggle and think I’m mad, but if I pocket [$20,000], I’ll be the one laughing." Prior to the tournement Price tweeted news of his wager and posted a picture of confection.

In the end nothing could be cruller: McIlroy finished eighth at the Masters and Price was toast. His girlfriend ventured there were several things $1,700 might better have been spent on than an ill-considered pastry play.

Silent man gassed by his peeping success
By Trey Parker

Matt Stoner doesn't say much. But if you can eat it, Matt Stoner can eat more of it.

Matt doesn't give interviews prefering silence to keep his mouth in training for tournement. And, in recent savory competitions, Matt's training regimen has paid off. He has downed five Big Macs in under a minute, inhaled 120 Chicken McNuggets in 90 seconds, and then quaffed a two liter bottle of coke without letting out so much as a burp.

During this week's "Stay Puft Marshmellow Man Match Meet" at Mammoth Cave, silent Matt broke his own record scarfing down 200 marshmellow peeps in 2:21 before the atmosphere turned foul. Speed chugging 200 marshmallows includes ingesting a whole lot of air. And, inside a distended body, that gas needs a way to escape. Fast.

Business Section
Wearable Futons: Clothing Of The Future?
By Wendy Pigsfly

Japan, the country that gave the world condom cookbooks, burgers that are completely black and men who eat their own genitals in the name of art is giving the world something almost as weird: suits that double as futon mattresses.

King Jim, a Japanese company specializing in office equipment and supplies, recently started selling something called the Wearable Futon Air Mat Set. It's a jumpsuit made of nylon, polyethylene and polyester that can double between as an overcoat and a bed, for those times when you're not sure where you're going to sleep.

The product is available in Japan for about $40 from supplier King Jim -- and that includes an air mattress, according to the Daily Mail. There is no news of a release in other territories yet. So far, reaction in Japan has been mixed, according to Some people admire the ingenuity of the idea, while others fear it may make it easier for Japanese companies to force employees to pull all-nighters at the office.

Rest at Your Own Risk: Moscow Benches to Publicly Display Sitters’ Weight
By Boris Badenov

In a bid they say will raise fitness consciousness, Moscow's city officials are replacing ordinary park benches with high-tech scales. Soon park visitors sitting and enjoying pastila will be revealing their secrets to the world.

The change, which will affect the city's most popular parks, is being sponsored by gyms hoping to attract more weight-obsessed clients. A similar campaign is already in place at a public bus stop in the Netherlands, where benches are attached to large electronic panels that display the seated person's weight in kilograms. The panels also feature nutrition-related information and gym advertisements.

One of the first parks in Moscow to experience the new technology is Sokolniki Park on the north side. Park Director Andrei Lapshin said that twenty weighing benches should be in place by the end of the year. Moscow's media and advertising head Vladimir Chernikov supports this ambitious project by saying that he's for "everything progressive and interesting that has been approved from above." He stated the high-tech benches will also be wired with electricity as phone-charging stations, but definitely not miked so authorities can listen in on conversations.

Russian company registers smiley as trademark and prepares to charge everyone
By Natasha Fatale

A Russian operator of mobile advertising, Superfon, registered a smiley as its trademark. Now the company intends to charge everyone who uses its trademark in its commercial advertising. Many well-known Russian companies have already said that they are not going to pay a ruble for that. The incident marked yet another attempt to claim the rights for the smiley in Russia. Smileys have become extremely popular all over the world for their ability to help people express their simple emotions online. Superfon registered the winking smiley - ;-) - at the Russian Patent Agency (Rospatent), the president of the mobile operator, Oleg Teterin said. Other smileys - :-), ;), :) - are considered similar to the registered winking smiley and thus should not be used in commercial purposes.

The head of Superfon reminded that smileys were used in Russia on Nestle's and McDonald's street billboards. Superforn will be sending written complaints to those who now use the registered trademark of the Russian operator of mobile advertising. “If no reaction is going to follow then we will have to sue those companies and claim financial compensation,” Oleg Teterin added.

Legal expert Viktor Naumov said that Rospatent's decision guaranteed exclusive rights for the use of the smiley to Superfon. He added, "Have a nice day."

Introducing the WhyPhone 6: An iPhone-Shaped Piece of Plastic for Mobile Online Addicts
By Levon Hold

If you're worried about your smartphone addiction, then the new WhyPhone might be just what you need. It's the perfect mobile placebo - it looks and feels exactly like an iPhone, but it does nothing. It's just a piece of plastic that you carry around in your hand to fool yourself.

With a thin, light and completely wireless design, the WhyPhone acts as a surrogate to any smart mobile device, enabling you to always have a rectangle of smooth, cold plastic to clutch without forgoing any potential engagement with your direct environment.

"Phone addiction is real," says developer Ima Luddite. "It's ruining your dates. It's distracting you at concerts. It's enabling your drunk texting. It's clogging up our sidewalks."

The WhyPhone is 5.5 inches high, 2.6 inches wide and 0.29 inches thick, bringing it quite close to the latest iPhone 6. It is shatterproof and waterproof. It offers infinite battery life. And it comes with a license offering free software upgrades for the life of the phone.

For those interested in WhyPhone, but concerned about no longer being able to take nude selfies, WhyPhone is available with an optional mirror sticker so you can enjoy 'real-time' selfies with your friends when they're standing right behind you.

Weather Section
Britons spend six months of their lives discussing the weather
By Sonny Day

The weather-obsessed British spend on average six months of their lives talking about whether it's going to rain or shine, according to a survey published recently.

Speculation about whether it's going to be wet, complaints about the cold and murmurings about the heat are also the first points of conversation with strangers or colleagues for 58% of Britons, the survey found. The study of 2,018 adults by pollsters found Britons talk about the weather for more than two days [49 hours] every year; the subject comes up more often than work, what is on television, sport, or gossip.

Nineteen percent of over 65s questioned also believe they can predict the weather as well as a professional weatherman.

The most likely explanation for the British fascination with weather is that the food is so boring, they have to find something else to discuss.

Runaway port-a-poddy blows town
By Xavier Breath

This john clearly had enough of other people's crap for one day. Residents in Hygiene, Colorado witnessed an unusual sight yesterday when a port-a-poddy blew down Main Street during high winds. Strong winds have wreaked havoc all week, bringing down power lines and toppling trees, with gusts over 70mph recorded.

Local resident Dan Pearce captured the AWOL latrine online, with the caption: "Ever see a loo skip too? Me neither." Keanu Reeves has already optioned the displaced throne's story for the next sequel of Speed.

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